THE POWER OF REFLECTION
Sunday, December 8
I know it's been some time since I've taken out the time to write out something. Life got kind of crazy, and in all fairness I believe you guys may be going through the same thing - UNI APPLICATIONS.
However, this post isn't about education or mental health - it's more of an eye opener, or so I suppose it is. It's a reminder to myself, to remember who I am and never put anybody else before me.
This year I lost someone close to me, no, not like that. We had been best friends for about six years now and there wasn't a single moment that we never spoke. We'd go to school together, spend lunch times together, sit next to each other in lessons and even take the train home.
I think by being so proud of our friendship, I got very tied up and forgot who I was as a person. Everything began to revolve around them and it was very unhealthy. I'd hate spending any second without this person and would become very angry when they had other commitments. I believed that by being my best friend they should always be available, even if it meant putting me before their personal life or family.
When I sit now and type this, I began to realise the difference between this specific friendship and my other two best friends. I believe I poured a lot of pride and effort into this one friendship that it resulted in both our downfalls. In fact, to my other two best friends, thank you for showing me what best friend's are truly meant to be like. Nothing but gratitude to you both <3
I never saw myself as a manipulative, rude and bitchy individual. I knew what my intentions were, but everyone around us could see that I was becoming this 'bad' girl. Those who were close to me, understood that this wasn't me. They would warn me, tell me; 'Sooms, this isn't right.'
Did I listen? No.
Why?
Because I was blinded. It is now that I realise how toxic this friendship was. I couldn't grow individually. I became dependant. I did a lot of things I wasn't proud of. But I could never bring myself around to say I regretted it. Because, truth is I don't.
I gave away a lot of love and everything I had to make sure this friend was always happy, even if it meant they never realised it. I would cause arguments so they would spend more time to talk to me.
I used to be in love with always being angry. It made me feel powerful of the future I had no control over. My mental health fell, my happiness relied upon making this one person happy. My family, hobbies and other friend's couldn't fill the void of sadness I would feel when this person wasn't present.
But something happened, and life changed. I lost them - not in the 'to be alive is to breathe' type of way but the 'we don't talk anymore' type of way.
Whilst this happened, I spoke to every single friend I had. I realised how much love I had to share. To all my friends reading this today. I love every single one of you, and I'm sorry you had to see me go through this tough phase of my life.
But that's okay. Im grateful. Because now I realise how much time I had wasted. Life changes in a second. This is sh*t we all know. You just don't realise it till you try to cleanse your heart.
Through prayer, my supportive friend's and reflecting upon who I was, I can finally say I'm ready for the next phase.
We need to be grateful for every second of our lives. That's my biggest lesson. The shoes we wear, the bed's we sleep in, even the warmth in this weather - appreciate it. Life changes. It does. It might have taken me thing long to get here, I may have been ignorant for such a long time, but I am glad of who I am.
Ultimately, everything happens for a reason.
Trust yourself.
Trust god.
As long as you're a good person, don't let anyone change that.
Stand up for yourself. The power to reflect upon your actions is in each and everyone of us. Stop for a moment and just think. If you're not happy with your life just think, try and try again.
My next post will be about dealing with rejections and doubting yourself: 'I'm not good enough.'
Sooms x - 8/12/19